i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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