I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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