if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
