foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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