Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
