I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize