Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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