I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
