I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
