Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
