Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I faked an abortion last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
