i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
