well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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