Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
