I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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