Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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