If i come over, it means nothing
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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