I hate all girls vehemently.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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