I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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