mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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