My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
