i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
