apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he puts the penis in happiness.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
