So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
