Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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