i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
