She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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