he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
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