Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
