It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
