i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
