Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Randomize