Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
