Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
