I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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