I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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