I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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