I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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