i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize