Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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