You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
