What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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