I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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