Sry I called you an 8
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
