just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
