I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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