Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize