I molested 6 butterflies tonight
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
