Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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