so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
