So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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