Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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