Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize