this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
