let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
