____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
