ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
