Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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