You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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