What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
