I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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